someone threw a dead crab at me
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i used baking grease as lip gloss
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
