Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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