Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
