Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
