just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm like, not good at living.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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