doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
