Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
