I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
