I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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