Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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