come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
