dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
