Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
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