Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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