FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
