We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
