I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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