Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
