Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
