Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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