Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
