1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
