i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
