Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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