woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
