who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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