I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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