Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Randomize
