I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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