My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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