my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
