Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
