Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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