I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
