im six kinds of drunk right now
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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