And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
