I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
