Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
