K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
