Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
