I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
