If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Randomize
