Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
