There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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