Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
