i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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