Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
