She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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