I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
