hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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