I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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