I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
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